Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
God Damn, That's A Pretty Fuckin' Good Milk Shake. I Don't Know If It's Worth Dying But It's Pretty Fuckin' Good.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
This is leading up to something that Sashial said to me the other day. "You've never been in the actual Hell, but I know when you were alive, you felt like you were."
"Let's say, I was in hell with a lower case 'h,'" I said.
She gave me a typical condescending yet concessionary shrug. "Whatever the f--- you want to call it, you were there. And now you're here. Have you ever thought about how it would feel if suddenly you were taken from Heaven?"
I was taken aback by that. "No! Why, should I? Is that possible?"
"No, of course not. Not for you. But in terms of human suffering, as an angel, you have to realize that people go through that. Happiness doesn't always put an end to insecurity. Some humans can live in the moment. Some can't. This may be hard to realize because you never felt you had something that might be taken, but sometimes recognizing human suffering is more complicated than looking for a frown or a tear."
"So, I have to recognize that people who are happy are going to become unhappy?"
"No," she said, "you have to prepare yourself for the idea that losing your paradise can be just as bad as being in your "hell with a lower-case h," or whatever."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked.
"Because this is the part where it gets tricky. Your experience as an angel is growing. When you first started, you weren't ready to accept the idea that having happiness or complacency and losing it can be just as bad as existing in misery, but I think you're improving. You might not be so f---ing useless after all."
I said, "Everyone has a right to their own pain."
"Well, Marley's the one who actually said that."
"I know she did," said Sashial. "Do you f---ing think I would use the word 'smart' in reference to you?"
I thought about it for a second, and said, "No. In fact not only would I be surprised, in way, I think I'd be oddly hurt."
She smiled. "Good boy."
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
The question confused me. "Why would you ask me that? She's in past, I was over that a long time ago, you know that."
"I know," she said, "I'm not asking because of you, it's for my latest assignment. It's a guy who went through a breakup. I've never had my heart broken, I think it might help to know what it's like."
"Like you even need any help," I answered. Nervously, I continued, "And . . . forgive me if it, you know, offends you, but . . . I know you've been hurt."
With a calm detachment, she said, "Oh sure, but I was abused. Not heartbroken. It's not the same."
I took that in, and said, "Well, misery kind of defines you. As positive or upbeat as you try to be, it doesn't change the place you're in, and as long as you're there, no escape can ever completely take you out of there. Smile all you want, people can tell, because when you're stuck in that place, you're a different person. It was like, I wished so badly to be out of there, because I knew it was ruining my life, and I didn't want to be that person. But I was trapped. And still, I kept thinking, 'This is where I'm supposed to be right now, I guess 'cause I figured you belong there after a breakup. Looking back, I can't believe I tried to justify things like that."
"I remember," she said. "I recognized your turmoil when I first saw you."
"You recognize everyone's everything."
"This was different. Even though you were being so nice to me, I could tell that you weren't quite you. Yeah, I just knew you were sad about something, but there was something else. You were friendly but you didn't smile. Something didn't add up. You know, you can have the best intentions of turning things around and still fail, and it's not your fault. Even though people might tell you it's a matter of personal strength, it's usually not. They might say 'get over it,' like there's a switch you just won't bother to flip. But even if there was, if you're stuck in the bad place, it's like, the switch isn't there, it's somewhere else. How do you get there?"
"An angel takes you," I said.
"Was I helpful?"
"Yes," she said, "even though, in a way, I wish you weren't."
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Words cannot begin to express how much happier a person I am. My life was filled with so much misery that I don’t think it was a very good person to be around. I feel like I’m a little more uplifting, which is good, considering I’m an Angel, that tends to be a good quality in those meant to inspire the living. Are there really unhappy Angels? I know that I used to be, at least when I was a trainee. I suppose I could have just as easily been an unhappy person and continue being an angel. I mean, after all, I was miserable when I passed my final exam. I know that I was good at my job so I think that’s what the difference was. Then again, I would have been a soul in Heaven who hated his job, if you’re going to have that kind of existence in heaven what would the fucking be point anyway?
I think I’m beginning to veer off topic. The thing that I was really wondering, was about how this epiphany, or attitude adjustment, or, I don’t know, just general exhilaration, only came with death. Sometimes I wonder, is it ironic or pathetic, that in order to achieve this mental turnaround I had to die? I had a look at the last phase of my existence, when I was in a state of misery, and the fact that it ended when my life ended, or at least a little bit after, it seems kind of unfair, both to me, and people who were alive. First of all, why wasn’t I allowed to have a good life? I think that’s part of the reason I had such issues with becoming an angel in the first place. I also think it's kind of offensive to the living, the idea that life should be defined by such misery, at least by me. And my way out was by ending it. I mean, that’s not what I intended to do, but it’s what happened. Does the fact that I finally achieved fulfillment in existence with the end of my life lived condone the idea that life is only a temporary existence and that the afterlife is what you really need to strive for?
Then I remember what God said to me, that the true reward is the challenge of creating the positive existence for yourself without everything being handed to you. I felt like my life was terrible because nothing was handed to me. And sometimes that makes me wonder, does being given nothing actually mean you’re being given everything to achieve happiness?, And maybe I wasn’t up for it?
Sometimes I think “My life so much better now.” And then I remember, oh wait, I’m fuckin’ dead. Don’t get me wrong, I really love being an angel, and sometimes I can look at it like I just got a new job and changed locations. I found a career I love. And what’s wrong with that? I asked Marley about this the other day, and she said “Death was my drug rehab,” and she seems okay with that. Maybe I’m just over thinking this, and that’s what really got me in trouble down there in the first place.
I also asked Sashial about this too. She said “You’re such a fucking idiot.”
Naturally, I answered, “I love you too.”
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Or, and some would argue this is the more likely scenario, you're in a negative place and your labor is your escape. Now, I'm not just talking about art; many will assume this falls into the whole "true art comes from pain" bulls--- that leads to pseudo-intellectual self-aggrandizing critical ramblings and rationals to engage in over-indulgence. But how often do you also hear about people throwing themselves into their jobs because their personal lives are in shambles? In some respects, artistic creativity and corporate business diligence are not all that different. People from all walks of life need a distraction, whether it's a work or at home.
This begs the question, why does everyone need to be distracted? If a human's natural state is the very thing they need to escape from, what does that say about the purpose of human existence? If someone is having a good life, we often say they're "living the dream." And there's the problem. Maybe happiness shouldn't be the dream, maybe it should be the standard.
The issue there is, without a goal, with nothing to strive for, humans are never truly happy. I've talked about this before, it's aiding in the journey towards joy and self-fulfillment that drives the angels' existence. So are we actually positive or negative? We're like emotional medication, but, are we the curing indication found within or unfortunate side-effects listed on the label?
Either way, doing it makes me happy, god knows my job on Earth didn't make me feel this way, or anything for that matter. I was going to ask Marley what she thought, but pontificating on a drug metaphor is probably not what you want to ask of a former heroin addict. I asked Lira, and she said, "Do you honestly believe if there was a concrete answer, I would tell you?"
"No, you'd tell me to figure it out for myself or I'd never learn anything."
"Good boy. Keep it going, I have faith that your IQ will hit the century mark someday."
I coughed a sarcastic laugh, "Thanks for believing in me."
"No problem. Take eternity if you have to. And you probably will."
You've got to love her.